I've realized that I need to write in order to process my thoughts.
I'm 42 and blessed to have given birth to a healthy baby girl this past June. She was an unexpected blessing, coming after three months in a relationship. Yes, we are still together and raising our daughter together.
There's been a lot of changes in my life, needless to say. I kind of let the idea of finding a partner and having a child go, several years ago. When I re-embraced the idea of finding a partner, I wasn't sure it would be possible to have a child.
My pregnancy seemed surreal - due to the fact of being pregnant and the surprise of it. Sorting out how we were feeling about this new life together and independently was a challenge in all sorts of ways.
I am a Catholic and hold fast to the beliefs. My partner is not. And I have been zealous in my faith, to the point of being judgmental and closed to others who did not share my point of view. I wasn't shy about sharing or disdaining others either. So now I find myself humbled by my circumstances. To put it in an old fashioned way... living with a man with a child out of wedlock.
My family has been supportive for the most part. I can't say the same for all of my friends. Some of them have accepted my life situation for what it is. "You are old enough to make your own decisions." One of my friends told me I was going to hell if I didn't move out and get away from this sinful situation. (This is before I knew I was pregnant). I am still sad about the loss of some friends and surprised by the embrace of others. And I am kind of shocked by the judgmental attitude, though, I am ashamed to say, I can think of tons of situation where I did the very same thing.
So, lately I've been aware of my own pride, and I've been humbled. And, I think, more forgiving and compassionate toward others. (I hope.) Right now, I'm living outside of what the Church teaches, so I'm not in full communion with her and her followers. And that does hurt, but it's a hurt I've caused myself. I want to be in full communion again. And I want to teach my daughter to love others, as Jesus teaches and as the Church teaches.
It will take time and a miracle.
